I'm not perfect, but I'm getting better....

I look in the mirror every time I can and I smile.  I used to try to smile.  Now, I smile without much effort.  I like what I see for once.  It used to be much harder.  I used to try to be someone else, or hope I could be someone else.  There were parts and aspects of myself I could not stand, or even try to deal with.  But, after some soul searching, inner searching, and maturity, I can honestly say that I am not perfect, but I like and love who I am, what I see and have room to get better.


It has been a struggle to say the least.  I've come to this point with low self-esteem, acute co dependence, deep-seeded anger issues, and anxiety levels that are so high that I require medication.  It's safe to say that a lot of work has been done and has to be done in order for me to finally get my life together.  I had to lose a lot to get here, and I definitely gained a lot, too.  If there's one thing I have done that makes my life much better, more livable and definitely more tolerable, it's learning that I don't have to be the best, flawless, or whatever.  I have room to make mistakes for once.  And it's really calming.


From the very beginning, I had it drilled into my head that messing up is not an option.  Perfection is the key.  You have to be a good person, good at what you do, good at what you can do or attempt, and good or better than everyone else.  When you have parents like mine, making mistakes on any level  was almost impossible.  We went to school, my siblings and I.  The name of the game was a good education.  In fact that was the name of the game for years on end. Passing tests, getting honors, having good grades: that was the end game.  If we did that, they could not have been prouder of your accomplishments.  You'd be touted as a prodigious, fine young egg.  If you didn't live up to that, they would hammer you and be as overbearing as possible.  They would even go so far as to take things away from you, ranging from reasonable to unreasonable.  Does drawing really have a detriment on one's studies as video games might have?  I can live with that, after all, it did help me get better grades and graduate with a degree in computer engineering.  Also, they did the best they can with what they had.  As I look back, though, being perfect has been something of a constant in the world, portrayal and all....


The only other entity worse than a perfectionist set of parents, is a perfectionist school.  Being on the straight and narrow is the only way to thrive in the schools I went to.  They had it put into our heads that other schools could not compare in any way, shape, or form.  Now, don't get me wrong.  There's nothing wrong with a good education, or education of any kind.  But, if you discourage a certain type of personality (say, the Type B) and encourage another (say, Type A), you may be part of the problem.  And ultimately, that's what has been a major part of my life.  I have lived Type A all my life, and I have had a taste of Type B....and it's pretty freaking good. 


It may seem like I'm rambling, but I felt if I didn't get this all out in words, it would stay with me until another issue came up.  Because I was determined to make sure all ends met, and that everything was perfect, I had slowly lost my mind, or to be honest, lost my serenity.  I didn't know a world where mistakes were allowed, and perfection was just a myth.  I had to buck that trend.  If I didn't, my life would fall apart with little to no happiness to live with.   The power to just "let go" and accept the world as it is, was one very saving grace.  A saving grace that didn't or doesn't come to me, at least, without help from others.  It's like you hear the same advice about these things over and over and you never commit to it because it sounds unrealistic or you're in denial or you're even too proud to ask for help.  It takes a certain happening in one's life to understand what everyone has been or will be saying.  Once you stop talking, start opening your eyes and ears and truly look and listen, the world isn't so bad anymore, or so unrealistic, or so unmanageable.  It's because you realize it's not perfect.....just like you....and me.  


I'm not perfect, and I'm feeling great.  I have to commit to a strict regimen of self-improvement if I want to stay alive.  I have put aside the things in my life that have done the most harm.   I'm approaching life understanding what it takes to live happier and more lovingly.  I am doing the best I can with what I have right where I am. 


I am not a t.v. star, a character on a show, a wrestler, a caricature of something else, a victim, a loser or whatnot.  I am me, I am light, I am human, I am OK, and I am truly satisfied.  I'm not perfect, but for once, I can say I'm getting better.