Lincoln’s Birthday 2016. The CopaCabana. It was a birthday celebration for a friend that I attended via meetup. For the first time in a little over a year, I felt something I never felt in a long time. I felt a need to be whole again. I was ready…ready to take a chance again, as the Manilow song goes. Maybe it was the dancing, maybe it was the attention I received from the guest of honor. All I knew was that my heart was ready to open up again. The gaping wound in my heart was starting to stitch up and scar over. It was time to meet someone new.
April Fools Day, 2023. I was 4 months into a 6-month subscription to, arguably, the best dating service/app in the world. I mean, there were commercials for it, for crying out loud. I was spending close to 100 dollars a month, on top of a bunch of money on other things, using a subscription that was supposed to be much less than the standard price…which was high in the first place. And what did I get for my trouble? A short conversation from a U.N. officer that tried to politely tell me she wasn’t interested by lying about her availability. A response from a stranger saying they chose my account by accident, which was a good thing because I wasn’t close to feeling her. Lastly, a sense of bitterness, disinterest, malaise, and despondency, so bad that I cringe and fume every time I see any, and I mean, ANY form of advertisement for dating technology, Eros relationships, and anything that would promote either.
Ladies and gentlemen reading this, I’m turning 42 on the year that this will be published. I currently live alone, with no pets, no family members as roommates, and no significant others to speak of in any way, shape, or form. The closest I can get to a significant other is all the relationships from friends and family going on around me. My being an uncle is the closest I will ever get to having a child. The dating world has become so different, so commodified, and so lacking in depth, that I can honestly say that getting a partner is like getting a car to drive in New York City: a costly luxury one can do without. With Valentine’s Day coming, I have concrete plans for once: going to Mass, getting my ashes, starting my abstention from things for 40 days and nights, and a medical appointment. And honestly, as lonely as I can feel and get, I’m as ok with it as I have ever been.
Don’t get me wrong. There’s always a part of me that is hopeful about great things for myself or some awesome things to come my way. I wouldn’t mind hitting the lottery. I could go for stocks and bonds in some of the richest companies in the world with great returns. Heck, for a while, I didn’t even think I could afford the new place I moved to. Sure enough, it turns out I could and did. So, here we are, blogging again, for the express reason to clear my soul, clear my mind, and lighten my physical load, I guess. For 7 straight years, I took a chance on love again, and for the first time, maybe ever, I don’t care anymore. For the first time ever, that dream of having a wife, children, a house to grow old in: practically dead. For the first time ever, I’m living alone and liking it.
A day after that birthday celebration, I jumped on to the one place that brought me any, and I mean, ANY, type of fortune in love: OKCupid. Yup, that’s right. This place got me my first and only wife, as of press time (there’s a chance I could marry again, but I’m not holding out hope). Maybe this time, I’ll have luck again. So, I put the time in to really do the work when finding someone. Along with OKCupid, I’d do meetups, hang out with friends, and even talk to mutual buddies more. Sounds good, right? Yea, well, unfortunately, there’s a truth about the dating world that folks tend to ignore when it comes to taking a chance again. You see, the dating world, like the actual world and universe, keeps moving forward.
In 2016, I was turning 34. Many of the current single adults weren’t even 30 yet. Dating trends remained the same, a la 2008 or so. There were very few situations of polyamory that I knew of, marijuana wasn’t as openly sold on the street, and it was shortly before the “Me Too” movement. However, as time passed, trends changed. More individuals were interested in a different type of relationship. Terms like “friends with benefits” became more prevalent as people did everything in a relationship to maintain personal autonomy, even to the point of removing vulnerability. A lot of things that I would consider dealbreakers became the norm for the average single woman. Once this became true, dating technology had to go with the flow and cater to these trends. And if you didn’t, you were out of luck, 9 times out of 10. So, I had it relatively easy in 2016, I’d say. This could be measured by the number of responses and actual dates and phone calls I had.
So what did 2016 have for me? A lot of living, learning and dejection through rejection. For the dates I went on, I learned a very valuable lesson: once you’re out of the dating game, re-entering it will always be a challenge, because the game changes and the world changes. I came across about 5 to 10 different women while using OKCupid. I didn’t meet many in person. The ones I met in person didn’t end well. One was adamant on “no kissing” on the first date, even on the cheek. I mucked that one up. One had a whole vibe about her that rang “sheltered rebel” and she was my age. Thank goodness that petered out. One wasn’t feeling it almost instantly. She would be the first of many. One was enjoying the dinner I bought for us, primarily the wine, the date, not so much. At least we had cheddar biscuits. One definitely had issues with rage and unresolved mental issues. I blocked her number instantly. As for the others…well, they never even met me off the app. Lots of ghosting done on their end, save for one (she claimed to want to help me improve my game after she rejected me. PASS!). The remaining time I was on OKCupid, it was just incompatible people that their algorithm kept sending me, scam users, and prompts to spend more money to get better results.
So, OKCupid is a bust, at this point at least. What now? Well, when all else fails, try another dating program. As you will start to see or not, I approached my dating life like an engineer: massive trial-and-error, lots of experiments of a costly nature, late nights of research, and little results of true success. The difference: engineers have true success. So, I moved on to other apps that I’ve never used before, and this time, I was willing to spend a little cash to do so, or a good amount. What did Match bring me? Two rather notable things: a need to somehow reinstate my account after they accused me of fraud, and a date that literally had an emotional breakdown because she thought I was being racist (she’s encountered plenty of traumatic events based on race in her childhood and beyond). And to top it off, I can’t contact anyone on Match unless I subscribe, which has prices higher than others. Well, except for eHarmony.
So, what now? I prefer a free site and the only one of any quality, I just left. Upon speaking with a few colleagues and buddies, I discovered another app: Coffee Meets Bagel. You remember that one, right? The dating app made famous on Shark Tank. You know, the television show that gives opportunities of investment to start ups from some of the richest people in the world. It was free, it was easy to use, and I could even converse with guys in order to share information. And my results? An on-again, off-again history of app usage that resulted in a few dates that went nowhere fast and nowhere ultimately. First dates remained just that: first and only dates. The app didn’t have much of a system to discriminate between obvious wrong choices and hard-to-find right choices. Then, the unthinkable: the app became technologically problematic. Whatever efforts I used to try and seek out partnership were stymied and stifled by the errors and issues the app had. I decided to take my leave at least until they fixed it. They never truly did, even as I returned for various uses in many different years. Tech aside, I had a handful of dates courtesy of that app. None of them really got past date one. Some highlights include: taking a date to a location only to run into another woman who rebuffed my advances prior to that, having a date call ahead in an attempt to cancel minutes before she showed up, two dates via video during the pandemic that ultimately made it clear to me that religion was going to be a major factor in finding love, and even an impromptu date that led to karaoke and me singing to her…only to get ghosted.
Out of frustration and desperation, I took a chance on the very first website I used for dating. See, back in 2009, when things ended with my first long-term relationship, I received advice to try a dating website for the first time. This was all before I attempted OKCupid for the first time, which led me to my future ex-wife. Anyhoo, I didn’t have the money or the intention to pay for relationship help/advice/support. There should not be a price on actual human interaction. Unfortunately, as time passed, we as a people enjoy convenience as well as taking the guesswork out of relationship trouble in a way. In any case, if it was free, it had to be for me. This was the first of the free sites. And sadly, what came with it was a ton of issues. You have glitches, scam profiles, people searching for hookups, and of course, my favorite: people who had unresolved issues that were more than evident. I had only two dates from this site. One just wasn’t feeling me, and the other….I took a chance with, because, a) I was desperate, b) I was trying not to be too picky, and c) I wanted to try a new type of woman. This type? The single mother. My gut was telling me this was a mistake, but my mind and heart wanted to see this one as a different possibility. Now, when my gut tells me things aren’t kosher, I’m already out the door.
I’ll try not to take up too much time, but every possible problem that I could think of came with this relationship, which took place from July 2017 until November 2018. Curse you, codependency! I really tried to see this one through, hoping that maybe, I could save her, or help her. Damn you, codependency! I knew her life was crazy, but boy was I underselling just how crazy it was. But. I had experience, I didn’t want to judge, and I wanted to give it the old college try. For my trouble, I cried, I had a brief glimpse of what parenthood looks like (or the lack thereof), and I became completely and totally sour on relationships to the point where I enjoyed the possibility of never looking again. I even challenged myself to see if I can live on my own without depending on someone or something. In other words, if I can live the life of a bachelor with no overt responsibility to a family member, a pet, or a partner for a year, then I can truly live life independently. I succeeded, but not before I gave a new app a try: Hinge.
At the time I started using this app, people were telling me that it was great. One person has met his current wife on this app. Its motto was that it was the app that wants you to get off this app and find someone for a long-term relationship. Sounds good to me. How did it work? I had a handful of dates on this as well, meeting about one or two people in person. Nope, nothing stuck. Then, the unthinkable happened. Hinge was bought out by Match and then, the best aspects of this free dating app was put behind a paywall. Now, me? I wanted to give it a shot, regardless. I lost a lot of money, time, and goodwill due to this app. The last and only person I reached out to on this app of any repute was a scammer. This, I was sure of, no doubt. Not looking to be left out in the cold, I tried Bumble at the same time.
The trick behind Bumble is that you can use it to meet new friends, new business partners, and/or new love interests. It was like Tinder, only with more information than just look at someone and swipe. Oh, and you can become a lifetime member at a low, low, price of $99 (at least when I tried it). Hoo-whee! That’s some quality stuff if you ask me. So, how did it go? Well, I used the app concentrically with Hinge and I must tell you, I got more matches, responses, and the like from Hinge. I had to carefully curate how things were going on Hinge; however, just like CMB, Hinge had technological issues. Such issues included not being able to remove choices you clicked to removed. The same choices would come back, over and over. The only way I could remove them fully was if I paid for a subscription. Yay. And then, once I finally did, I actually ran out of choices. RAN OUT! Can you believe this? I somehow cycled through everyone that was even remotely close to my location. It’s the tri-state area, and I ran out. So, then, there’s Bumble, and as sure as I am sitting here typing this, I ran out of choices there, too. What next? How about a global quarantine courtesy of a worldwide pandemic? Well, this will guarantee I can live alone and like it…
Now, of course, with the pandemic and quarantine, dating was practically impossible. That just can’t happen, ya know? Well, video dating became the go-to for most folks. And not just video dating via the current dating tech, but also speed dating through different websites. What fun! The last time I speed dated, not only was I ignored, quietly rejected, and even made a fool of, but the only, ONLY, person who connected with me wanted to be friends. Just friends, no changes ever. But this is different, right? This will work, and once we’re free, we can meet in person or something. For my troubles, I got matched up with a polyamorous smoker who was just speed dating for the heck of it. Another video date made it rather clear that she wasn’t into kids, even though she was a teacher of sorts. But, do you know what really burns? I know at least 3 people that did the video dating thing during this period and… there was success. 1 out of those 3 has long-term success, while the others, not so much. Jeez..
Before I forget, I want to say that I have attempted to connect and date in person. Those speed dates, save for the video ones, were in person, and did result in friend zones and rejections. I tried even Meetup.com for different groups with my interests. The results were these: an uneven ratio of men to women, a bunch of cancelled events due to flaky organizers, having to navigate meeting new folks while dealing with pick-up artists, and then, watching the makeup of Meetup.com change around to foster this behavior along with things like coaching, AI, Crypto, and other trends that just sickened me to the core. It didn’t help that a bunch of my friends had moved on from this site as well. Other than these, there were just actual parties and get-togethers. No, I didn’t meet any new love interests there, either. Why? Well, when you spend enough time discovering what you want in a relationship, you can get even pickier than when you started. That said, the dating pool was rather shallow when it came to quality.
Once the doors were opened, I decided to really put in the work and give the old college try to the dating world. I was going to do anything and everything within my own interests and care to at least give dating a chance again. This included all the stuff, except coaching. Sorry, I’m not a fan of, nor do I buy into dating coaches. Why am I paying thousands of dollars to hear what I already know from someone who only has their own perspective to work with. Coaches don’t play in the game for a reason: those who can, do, and those who can’t, teach. I chose this because I was coming up to what I consider the biggest red flag in dating that, to this day, is still seen as such for many an asinine reason: turning 40. So, if I didn’t start a relationship by the time, I turned 40, I could retire from dating or just quit altogether. This way, I can say that I tried, and I don’t have to throw my head against the ground anymore looking for someone. The final verdict? I failed. I turned 40 and I was still single. So, that’s it, no more. I quit…. or so I thought.
Not wanting to completely be defeated (primarily due to the success of my loved ones around me egging me on), I took another chance, one more, in fact. This time, I was going to try the best of the best, the crème de la crème: eHarmony. This was on commercials, this had the best success rate, this took a guy I knew who was in his 40s and granted him a wife and son. This could be my one final chance at love. After all, it’s the best piece of dating tech out there. It had better be, for what they were charging me.
So, I signed up in January of 2023, looking to give this at least half a year of tries. I was being charged more than I have ever been charged on any dating site, or app. I leaned in and did everything asked within my financial limits. This time, it had to work. This is the best one on record. The results were as follows: I was spending more than the monthly fee was allowing thinking that I had a deal, I was literally ignored by everyone on the app, and to top it off I received a grand total of two… TWO responses from people. One of them went out of their way to say that they reached out to me in error. I wasn’t even interested in this person and was going to block her, but she had to sneak that comment in, you know, instead of just blocking me first. Pardon my French, but what a bitch! The other person? She and I talked a grand total of about 2 times within the first weeks of January. She told me that she was travelling in the future for the holidays, so meeting up for coffee was not possible. Also, contacting her would be difficult as well. What I didn’t know was that she was politely turning me down without saying that she wasn’t interested in me. I’m spending close to 90 dollars a month on this crap? Before the six months were over, I ended the subscription and, I haven’t been dating since.
So, here I am, 41 years old, turning 42. There’s nothing going my way regarding dating. There’s no one to meet in person that is even remotely interested in getting to know me. There’s no reason to continue going to meetups as Meetup.com has gone to the dogs. And lastly, there’s no app or website worth trusting to give me what I am looking for with even a modicum of average quality in usage. I’m sure people will try to convince me otherwise, but they don’t know my experience. They can’t relate to it, either. It’s like always eating fast food and never having any side effects from it. Sure, you can eat it as long as you want and you never get the negatives like in “Super-size me”, but then you don’t understand why someone would quit eating fast food if they are getting these side effects, regardless of what they do. If dating comes easy to you, how can you possibly relate to anyone where it doesn’t? As of April 2023, I have actively retired from dating and relationships: finding them, being in them, saving them. I’m done. And for once, I don’t mind the feeling. I do mind the feeling of pressure from others thinking I’m missing out or some nonsense like that. But thankfully, the feeling doesn’t last as long anymore.
I know what I want and what I will look for in a woman. I know that those combined qualities are literally few and far between. That said, I know what I want, and I won’t settle for anything less. No one else will, so why should I? No one else would, so why should I? Does it mean that I will be single for a considerably long time? Yea, perhaps. Does it mean that it will leave me to do some major soul-searching and working on my person alone? Definitely. Will that result in me finding exactly what I want? Nope. Nothing is guaranteed, and this type of thing isn’t guaranteed for everyone, or even anyone. It’s basically the lottery or landing a dream job. You can put in all the effort in the world and have all the confidence in the world that you’ll get it, but that doesn’t mean shit. You can still get passed over for someone else. That’s just the way it is. So, for me, I made the choice not to burden myself with this frustrating method of trying to interdependently be part of another person’s world. In my world, an eros relationship is not a necessity; it’s a luxury. So, with that said, I’ll hop on the single train, knowing that who I am and what I want, doesn’t jibe with 9 out of 10 people. It’s cool.
A person can live alone and like it, and a table for one can be fun.
One last thing: if you or your significant other, while reading this, believes that I'm overreacting or just haven't been doing it right, i have a challenge for you:
I challenge you, for 30 days, to do exactly what I did, with my preferences for who I want in a relationship. I will personally send you the information on what I'm looking for. Then, at your own volition, with your own method, see who you come up with. Feel free to even pick out people who you think would be right.
I'll be here....riding the single train....
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