Anger, resentment, fear....

I don't care who is reading these blogs.  Honestly, I don't think anyone cares if I write them.  Therefore, I think writing what's on my mind to calm my nerves, open my heart, and get my head right may be pretty darn helpful.  That said, let me introduce the triple threat of character defects.

Anger.  Resentment.  Fear.

These "wonderful" character flaws are all that have guided me for close to a decade.  From 2005 in July until May of 2014, I've built my life on these aspects.  Why?  Why live with the driving forces of the opposite of love?  Why be driven by hate?

Yes, hate.  Anger breeds hate.  Resentment breeds hate.  Fear breeds hate.  None of these breed love.  NONE!  These are the aspects and defects that have been pumped into my blood, my spirit, my heart, and my mind for years on end.  I've seen it all play out around me.  I've felt it all play within me.  I have been living a hateful existence to the point where I've literally choked out what little love I had for....anything.  I used to love video games, but because of these, I obsessed over them.  I used to love wrestling, but because of these, I obsessed over it.  I used to love wanting to be near people and even discovering the truth about what love really is, but thanks to these three, I will never, EVER, feel it again.

Yea, this is coming off really, REALLY, negative, but, if I don't get a modicum of this out at least, I may be liable to punch something, break my fist against it, and put in for numerous sick days.  Is there a light at the end of this tunnel?  Could there possibly be in any way?  Sobriety, Therapy, and then, Serenity.   But, in order to achieve those, I have to confront these.....


Anger.  What has gotten me so angry in this life could read like a laundry list, really.  Let's see:

-Teased at school
-No nurturing from parents/"Empty Love" instead of tough love
-Teased by older brother
-demanded perfection of by certain authority figures
-disrespectful people of any kind (hence why I have none for others, right?)
-Rejection from possible friends and possible mates
-My love life
-My lack of a social life


But the most important thing that makes me angry: me.  That's right.  Me. I'm angry at myself.  Why?  For letting it happen!  For doing all the things in my life to hurt people.  For doing all the things in my life to hurt myself.  For being a jerk.  For being a piece of filth.  For subconsciously and consciously being callous and cruel to nice people, while letting mean people get away with murder.  I become the bully or bullies that I detest.  I become the problem.  And the worst thing is, when the words hit, when the jabs sting, when the fuse is lit, I get so mad, so angry, I do very, VERY, stupid things.  Things like eating unhealthy foods.  Things like buying a bunch of useless items.  Things like sarcastically insulting people with offhand comments and remarks.  Anger is so, SO, ingrained in my life and my system that I hurt people with the tiniest to the largest of comments.



Resentment.  This is a big one, ain't it?  What would make me so resentful, eh?

-Being single for a good portion of my life and blaming myself and others for it.
-Parents relying on me to help the family while using me in the process
-Friends being overly negative about everything that I have done or how I live
-People getting away with whatever they want.



But, the biggest thing I resent: women.  That's right.  Women.  I have resented women for 10 solid years and counting.  Why?  WHY?  Because I felt used and abused by women I thought I could trust.  Because I couldn't accept the fact that the nice guy doesn't finish at all.  Because I had to accept the fact that, as a guy, I'm expected to be public enemy #1. And in no time at all, I got comfortable in that role, and then some.  I became the #1 jerk I always resented.  And you know what, that tops what I wrote earlier.  I don't resent women half as much as I resent what I've become.  I've become the self-absorbed, narcissistic, ego-driven, super dork that thinks he's more than any guy could ever be.  I bought into the self-confidence mindset and turned it into a monster.  Resentment helped make me into the jerk I am today.  I used to mimic The Undertaker and say that I hated everyone and everything.  I slowly and not so cautiously made that into a reality.  To walk down the street and look at someone with a stray thought of hurting them in any way is not healthy.  Dark fantasies can be your best friend if you let them.  They say resentment is when you drink poison in hopes for the person, place, thing, or situation you resent gets sick.  Well, I've been poisoned, my friends.  And the poison is coursing through my system to this day.



Fear.  Boy, if this hasn't been a driving force in my life....

What am I afraid of?  What do I fear so much that has me in a tizzy?

-Failure
-Losing my job
-Losing my life
-Losing my apartment
-Total abandonment
-Proving the naysayers right
-Losing all my money
-Terminal illness
-Driving at night (that's a new one)

Among many others

But, if there's one thing I probably fear the most....it's being happy.  Yes, I fear being happy.  I fear being content.  I fear being ok.  I fear the positive.  Why?  Why fear the positive?  Why fear something that makes me all right with the world?  Why fear something that would more than likely make me sane, and in turn, why fear knowing that it plays into my lack of sanity?  WHY?

Because I have been so used to the negative, that it became an expectation.  Because I have had it drubbed into my head that I don't deserve happiness.  Because I have had this belief that everyone else's thoughts matter more than mine.  Because happiness is fleeting, as the world has told me.  Because "depressed stays you for a while and happiness doesn't".  Because the world isn't fair.  Because the world isn't nice.  Because no matter what I do, I'm messing it up somewhere.  Because I've been born to fail.  Because I've never been taught to enjoy life.  Because of a hundred and one reasons that anyone can come up with or are actual facts.




These defects of character, these stumbling blocks in my personality, these feelings....they've taken residence in my mind.  My mind is a bad neighborhood, as I've been told is a very common slogan.  In that light, my mind is Silent Hill.  There's a haze and a fog surrounding everything.  You don't know where you are, what you're doing, who you're running into, when you'll leave or enter, why you see these thoughts manifest and how you will ever, EVER, stay out for good.  Anger, Resentment, and Fear are all living in big houses at the end of the street with the most visitors and common friends in anxiety...and addiction.  They always have parties.  They always leave the door open for me to walk through.  They always welcome me, abuse me, use me, and when I leave, they don't care.  They know I'll come back.  I always do.


So, what did this blog accomplish?  It helped me get these thoughts down because of how I have been feeling these few days.  Like old friends, they keep coming back and asking for things I can't give them: my time, my focus, and my life.  I have finally reclaimed my life from these things.  I'll be darned if they want to take my life back away from me.  I'm bound and determined to get my life together, and by golly, I'm going to do just that.  I've jettisoned the parts of my past that have only served to isolate me.  I've retired from gaming, put wrestling to sleep, and even quit social media.  I'm now playing guitar, drawing, and reading.  The best way to stop old habits is to create new ones.  The best way to fill your life with enriching passions and desires is to remove needless wants.


Anger.  Resentment.  Fear.  They are a part of me, like extra weight.  I can't lose it as they are human feelings, but I can ask for help controlling.  Enough is enough and it's time for a change.