The Hollywood Ending (Big Kiss!)

"And they all lived happily ever after."


You've seen it on television.  You've watched it on the big screen.  You've read it in books.  You've even played it in video games.  Heck, I'm sure you've seen it on professional wrestling.  The Hollywood ending, as I call it.  It's not so much that good things occur, which is always feel-good, really.  I'm talking about when the boy and the girl finally put it all aside, have that big kiss, and link up.  I'm talking about how the man and the woman just meet by happenstance, have instant chemistry, and have a whirlwind romance.  I'm talking about the much controversial "Love at first sight" scenario that is debated as to whether or not it exists, or it's just lust.  I'm talking about how it plays a big role in life, positively or negatively and how people meet.  So, just what brought this on?  Journey with me, if you will, down "Lover's Lane" and I'll give you my insight based on my experiences.


To be current, I just came back from a wedding between a friend of mine and a woman he met a few years ago.  Now, I've known this fine fellow, and he's a stand-up guy.  He's probably the nicest Nigerian I know, really.  Not an ounce of pretense on him, very smart, and as nice and sweet as they come.  He's like a giant Teddy Bear, really.  From what I understand, he met his wife via a dating website.  From what I could see of their chemistry and relationship, they are practically made for each other.  Their families got along.  They have a strong sense of community between them.  It was a wonderful wedding.  And they all lived happily ever after.  I'm legitimately happy for them, no question.  I wish them the happiest and healthiest of marriages, along with beautiful children.  But, for every happy marriage, there are ones that don't make it.....


To continue being current, my marriage is in the toilet.  I pawned my wedding ring a few days ago.  I got 20 dollars for it.  This, coming after one tumultuous year of marriage, and 3 or so years of dating with one year of engagement.  Five years together in a way....and it fell apart like a fraying crochet blanket.  I met her via a dating website as well.  Everything I could have wanted in a woman, she had.  It felt perfect.  And therein lies mistake number 1: nobody is perfect, and in turn, nothing is (with very few exceptions).  As we continued our relationship together, we had good times, and we had bad times.....and we had some downright awful times.  Our families didn't co-exist.  There was no real harmony between them.  There were radical differences between us that didn't beg for common discourse and communication between us.  And, here's the doozy: I learned of the various issues I have grown up with through this woman....and how it yearned to choke out any and all happiness that came my way.  By the time I got to recovering from these issues, the marriage was on the fast track to failure.  In the end, I was served papers, we'll be divorcing soon, I'm getting help for my issues, and the part of me that yearns for instant gratification is pulling at me, trying to get me to go back to the way things were when I was single.  I've walked that road before.  I'm not going to walk it again.


This isn't a blog to lash out at the way things are or were.  This is a blog taking a look at how the "Big Kiss" has affected my life.  In order for me to be reborn, certain things must die.  And this perception of living in a world where the "Hollywood Ending" is the way to go....that has to die.  I think what makes this one very dangerous aspect of life is how it can be tied to reality, even though it's fantasy.  See, there's a level of realism to some of the Hollywood magic of relationships.  For everyone who doesn't get that taste of fantasy, there are those that do.  It's a rarity, sure, but a man can dream....as can a woman.  Well, I dreamed about it.  I even thought it was a reality, sure.  But, reality is that this fantasy has a small, minute, and very minuscule way of coming true.  Me...well, I delved into this fantasy hard, fast, and heavy...for more than 20 or so years, if I'm not mistaken.


At the age of 6, I remember myself standing on the top of the steps at my school during the winter.  Just then, a teenage girl passed by and smiled at me.  I felt a rush of feelings come over me.  I was excited, enticed, happy, hopeful, and the list goes on.  No girl ever smiles at me, let alone an older one.  I would remember this feeling for...well, up until now.  Someone thought I was cute that wasn't family, or a teacher.  All I could think about was how cool it would be to get a kiss from this girl.  I mean, it wasn't going to happen with my classmates, right?  They always made fun of me.  Maybe if it were someone I didn't know very well that could like me.  Like "The Little Red-Haired Girl" to my "Charlie Brown", I had to have that feeling again.  So, what would give me hope for that happening for little old me?  Pop culture!


From then on, I relied on pop culture to edify my chances, my desires, my hopes and dreams, and my yearning for that feeling.  That feeling of being loved by another woman that wasn't an aunt, sister, or a family member.  I remember when the coolest thing a guy could get is a kiss on the cheek.  I wanted that.  I wanted that feeling.  I  yearned for it.  I saw every peer, every classmate I could ever see getting that in a way.  I felt I was due.  Then, there was that little...big thing I had that needed to be addressed: self-esteem.



Kids can be cruel.  If it's not for the fact that they haven't matured yet and set boundaries with what should and shouldn't be said, it's for the brutal honesty.  In my adolescence, I've dealt with jokes and teasing about how I walk, the shoes I wore, my pants being too high, my glasses, my lips, my last name, and just about anything that would come my way if it was aimed at me.  Now, with me having to deal with this at home already from an older brother and siblings who laughed along, you can imagine how sensitive I got to all the teasing.  With all this already weighing on me, getting the girl was practically an impossibility.  What about my age, you ask?  To be honest, there were many, many classmates of mine who were starting in early with their hormones working overtime.  So, I already felt like I was missing out.  I got close once.....


It was the tail end of 7th grade and, a rumor was going around that I was going out with someone.  Jokingly, I went along with the gag.  Turns out we let it get sort of serious.  How serious?  I finally got to the "cool" part when I got a kiss on the cheek from her.  It happened 3 times.  And, almost every time it happened, the people who were around reacted....by trying to get me to kiss her on the lips.  Not only were we not even close to ready, but we didn't want to get in trouble (it was a catholic school).  Anyhoo, it lasted (kind of, sort of) for all of Summer and the first months of Fall.  After teasing from other classmates, anxiety on my part, and general inexperience, we decided to "end things".  After that, I started to think of ways to, well, win her back, sort of.  They didn't pan out, and she has hated me ever since high school (yes, I pestered her up until then).  So much for the "cool" part.


From high school to college, my exploits with the opposite sex went about as well as building a house on the beach during hurricane season.  Pop culture kept encouraging me to keep on going, keep on trying.  But, when you try too much, or not enough, or when you don't have the confidence to follow through, or the extenuating circumstances that prevent you from moving forward, it can really mess with your mind.  School was easy compared to finding love.   From the years of 1996 to 2009, my journey was a very uneasy one.  I could go into the whole history, but that's what I'm doing right now, outside of the blog-o-sphere.  So, instead, I'll go into the crux of the matter.


See, the thing of it is, pop culture has always been a fine source of fantasy to provide an escape from reality.  There's really no problem there.  There is, however, one thing that I have learned over the years.  Pop culture has a way of presenting fantasy so well that we would like it to be a reality.  Well, actually, I did.  For the longest time, I wanted what I saw on television.  I wanted to be so awestruck with a girl I grew up with that it was impossible to ask her out, until the situation presented itself in the most awkward of fashions (ex. Boy meets world).  I wanted to be that super hero that saved the girl of his dreams every now and again and finally got to be with her, despite all the risks (ex. Spider-Man 2).  I didn't like myself being thought of as the "nerd" or outcast who liked the pretty girl but couldn't take the hint that she wasn't interested (ex. Saved by the Bell, Family Matters).  I got the impression that if I whittled her down long enough, she'd cave in and finally go out with me.  Not exactly the right mindset.  Not at all.


When the fantasy wouldn't match reality, I felt something change inside of me.  I felt myself darkening.  I was becoming more and more distorted in my views, my hopes, my dreams.  It didn't get to the point of trouble until after my very first long-term relationship.  It seemed like it was more than right for me.  I was inexperienced, but hopeful. She was relatively experienced, but patient.  It wasn't until she wanted to pursue her other interests that I felt broken.  I couldn't believe it.  Why?  "Why was this happening to me," I thought.  From that point on, the darkness grew and it wasn't just a small part of me.  It was a large part of me.  Cynicism, objectification, sarcasm, arrogance, narcissism, and whatever negative trait that became my life entered in.  All the rejection, all the despondency....it was too much to bear.  So, I flipped the coin and became the negative of the bright picture my life cast.


I have been up and down the course and road to true love and I've learned plenty of things.  One of the most important things I have learned is this:  what you see and what you would like are always two different things.  You have to accept this truth and let go of old truths if you want to ever be happy.  Dating sites brought me short-term enjoyment and what I thought was my happy ending.  In the end, I didn't get the house, the wife of a long time, the kids, or whatnot.  I lost the wife, may not ever get the kids, can't afford the house, and choose to move forward with a new form of "whatnot".   But, every now and again, I watch the fantasy....and it gets to me.  Pop culture really has a way to color our perceptions on falling in love and staying in love.


Here are some tidbits:

-I used to hold dear some television shows because of the character who I could relate to, finally getting the girl in the end.

-For the longest time, after being called "Charlie Brown" by my mother, I thought I would never get to find that "Little Red-haired Girl".

-As I mentioned soap operas, there have been instances that did arouse me, but I knew it wasn't what I wanted.  I knew it was just a part of me still yearning for that fantasy.

-I used to carry a lot of DVD movies that had one thing in common: a passionate scene or two that always got my blood pumping.  I recently sold them....all of them.  Now, I pick up films that don't rely on practically any romance between leads.  In other words, if there's a passionate scene or intimate scene of some sort, it is relatively tame.

-I used to watch a ton of videos on YouTube of old scenes from movies, television, etc. that had a scene or story that resonated with me and the "big kiss" was what I enjoyed the most.  I even did this with "Married with Children" because Bud was such a lovable loser...only he was a pig, too.

-I spent a lot of time watching videos on how to kiss, if not for the tips, then for the act of kissing.



I got so wrapped up in the "Hollywood Ending" that I made up ways in my head as to how it would be for me and how I would have wanted it.  I wanted to be noticed by that girl or to sweep that girl off of her feet.  I wanted that woman to take a shine to me and want to get to know me.  I wanted it so if there was turmoil, we'd be able to solve it before the movie ended, if you know what I mean.  I got so wrapped up in it that I even planned to write a screenplay or story of sorts on the failings of love from and with any and everyone who was interested.  It never got off the ground, thank goodness. 



The Hollywood ending can be very seductive, to pardon the pun.  We would all like life to be like that: "Happily Ever After."  But, life is not a storybook or a movie.  The ending comes as however we want it to be.  We make our own ending.  However, reality and fantasy are two different animals altogether.  The sooner I accepted this, the sooner I stopped worrying about finding love.  Yea, the worries are there, but I don't overdo it anymore.  I'm happy for that, to be sure.  Life doesn't have to be about the Hollywood ending.  I'm cool with that, no doubt.  I've gotten enough "big kisses" in life to know that it's something I would like.  However, in order to receive them, I have to be willing to give them the right and healthy way.  Now, that's a love story I could get behind.