I can change. Can you?

As I look back on all that I've done to you
My biggest regrets
The things that I never could do
I see the light now baby it's shining through
Gotta give up the game
Yeah I got some changin' to do

--John Legend - "I can change"


Everything changes, if I could
Turn back the years, if you could
Learn to forgive me, then I could
Learn to feel....

--Staind - "Everything changes"


Ch-ch-ch-Changes!
You can't change me!

--David Bowie - "Changes"



Change



It's the one word that everyone fears in one way or another.  It's the one definite in our lives that never changes, to pardon the pun.  It's a keystone in one's development, whether it is accepted or not.  Change.  It's good.  It's bad.  It's inevitable.  For the first time in my life, I have fully embraced the need, necessity, and inevitability of change.  And, it has done my life a world of good, but not without a litany of uncomfortable feelings.



There have been a lot of principles, truths, beliefs, and such that I have held onto for a long, long time.  Some of them have done me a world of good.  Others have kept me from truly growing into the person I have wanted to be.  And who have I wanted to be?  Me.  I want to be me, free of needing validation from other people, free of needing to be accepted to be whole, free of all the negatives that have choked out the positives in my life, free to be me.  But, for 32 years, being me has not been easy, nor should it have been.  If life were easy, there would be literally no problems of any kind.  But, that's not reality.  That's a fantasy.  Acceptance separates the two, hence making life all the more livable and enjoyable.  That said, I've held on to a lot.  Now, for the first time ever, I'm feeling that change has done me a world of good.  And I don't want to stop.


I already spoke about how video gaming has made me a hermit who was crabby, a loner who was lonely, and then some.  Well, since I put down the controller after prying it out of my hands, I have found video games to be more enjoyable.  I don't see it as a task that needs to be fulfilled before some deadline.  I'm not rushing to the finish line, nor am I stockpiling a bunch of titles that I found to be interesting only to be one with the gaming crowd.  I only have one system, 8 games, and a general interest in playing them only if I am with someone else.  I've gone casual in my gaming, and I have to tell you, it's been a blast.


I have "retired" from being a wrestling fan.  I used to be this fanatic that had to know all the ins and outs of wrestling, just to prove something.  I don't know if I was trying to say that I was a bigger fan than anyone else.  I don't know if I just made an obsession out of it.  I just know that who I was and what I became was not helpful in any way, shape, or form.  So, no more watching religiously.  No more going to websites often to find out more information ahead of others.  No more going crazy over merchandise, or stepping all over my travel companions in order to touch another wrestler.  No more podcasts, video games, or whatever.  Since then, I have had no real reason to follow wrestling again.  Heck, even as I was just invited to a friend's house for some pizza and a PPV, I found more joy and enjoyment talking to him and catching up with him than I did in watching the PPV.  To no surprise, nothing much has changed.  So, I'm really not missing anything.


Social media has only one goal and one purpose to me: keeping in touch with new friends.  Since I don't have many, I don't really need social media.  It just serves as a means to make communication easier.  It also serves as a means to literally spy on anyone's activity.  But, it's not really spying if it's out in the open, right?  Well, I have seen and learned that the best way to avoid negativity and drama is to stay off of social media....for good.  It hasn't suited me since I started realizing how much time I spent on it.  Once I realized it was too much, I pulled the plug.  Now, it's only talk, text, and email.  Hope everyone can appreciate that.


Isolation.  I used to just stay home, go to work or school, and continue the cycle.  I used to wonder why no one was interested in meeting up.  I also used to wonder what it was going to take to find new companions of a sort.  Then, as I started to change, I learned that in order to meet new people, I have to get out of my comfort zone, and just hang out with people who share my interests.  Making friends is the best I can do right now.  So, for once in my life, I'm going to make friends, without manipulation or co-dependence.  I'll just be me, who I want to be.  Take it or leave it.


When there is change, however, there is resistance.  For every person looking to embrace change, there are those who are resistant to it.  There are those who fear it.  For all the changes I am making, there are those I tell this to and show that aren't on board with the changes I'm making.  In fact, there are even parts of me that aren't fully on board with the changes being made.


Some of my friends feel that my retirement from wrestling seems unreasonable, since I used to be the biggest wrestling fan in the world.  And trust me, I was a big, HUGE, wrestling fan...to the point of obsession.  Some feel that I'll snap out of it eventually and come back into the fold.  But, what will that do for me?  How does that help me?  What does becoming a wrestling fan again do for me in the long run?  I realized that my passion for things of this nature is too great  So, I gave it up, for good only holding on to memories of the past, if that.  However, I have friends that I have gotten back in touch with that are still very into the wrestling world, even if I am no longer.  Thankfully, they respect my changes and needs to try to live differently.  Some may not.


I know people that are very much into video games still, to a very "hardcore" effect.  They still love every system.  They still would prefer to play until the wee hours of the morning.  I've made my bed and have laid in it.  I choose not to be that type of gamer anymore.  If I have to pour my passion into gaming again, I choose to do so with the multiplayer games I own or will own.  If it's DLC to keep the game evergreen, sure I'll take it.  I don't mind.  It's how I game.  I choose to play on holidays, when company is over, or even my birthday or special occasions.  I don't want to play every day. 


You see, with all these changes, I hope to finally change my attitude.  I don't hope to be an isolated, defective individual any longer, bringing pain, misery, and the like to myself or others.  I have had more than enough strength and energy to be negative.  It didn't work for me at all.  Now, it's time to take that strength and energy to be positive.  And, it's working like a dream.  So, going forward where does that leave all my old habits, desires, etc.?


I know I will run into people that enjoy social media, or wrestling, or video games or even all three.  Unlike I, they can handle these pretty well without obsession.  I am glad they can.  However, I'm not at that point yet.  I don't even know if I ever will, but now is not the time to think of the future while neglecting the present.  Video gaming on a casual level is doing me more good than anything.  I don't and won't ever mind anyone who decides to do otherwise.  It's just not for me, and I won't judge you if you won't judge me.  As for wrestling, I can take it in small, very small doses.  If it serves as a backdrop to do something I have rarely done, like hang out with an old friend, then I'm all for it.   Social networking is still pretty much up in the air.  I see that my privacy and my life is all on display without regard or pause.  However, if there is one key aspect to social media that I still hold dear, it's contact with people.  It keeps me in close contact with practically all my new friends or old friends I'd like to speak to.  However, I wouldn't want to fall back into the trap of staying on Facebook or whatever too long to the point of overexposure, as I have been known to do.  So, if I were ever to return, I'd probably take the "MF Doom" approach and hide myself from the world.  No one need know who I am unless I allow you to know who I am.  All tags removed.  All photos blocked.  But, I will keep in touch with you, no question.  Still, it's up in the air.  Right now, I'm all about phones, email, and texting.  The old-fashioned way.


I am a firm believer in the idea that a person can change.  For that to happen, the person has to believe that the changes they will make will be for the better.  The person has to be open to change, despite the fears and shifts that come with it.  Yea, it's not comfortable, but it's for the best.  After the initial adjustments and such, it feels like a good and comfortable pair of shoes.  I have learned a lot about myself with the changes that I have made.  I have learned how to be the great guy I used to be when I was growing.  I'm not cynical, doubtful, sarcastic, mean, cruel, or whatever anymore.  I actually enjoy life.  I'm smiling more.  I'm laughing more.  I'm accepting of what is and understanding what part of me would want it to be.  There's a stark difference between the two, and that's OK.  I am seeing what I do like and I don't like, while being more aware of life around me.  I am becoming the change I'd like to see in others.


I am capable of change.  I am loving, loved, and lovable.  I am me.  I am light.  I am OK.  I am enough.



I can definitely change, and I have....and I like it.