Nostalgia. That takes me back...

Nostalgia.


Webster's dictionary defines this as, "A longing for something past or far away."


Nostalgia has played a very key role in my teen and adult life.  I held on to a lot of my past growing up.  I just couldn't let it go.  That was mostly because I loved a lot of what I held onto.  Or, at least, they held a very special place in my heart.  Video games, wrestling, movies, cartoons, music, books...you name it, and I would have chosen to remember it, if it were really near and dear to me.  As I grew, my memories of the good times and things remained.  However, I developed a much deeper connection with the memories of old.  I started to try and rekindle the fires of passion for the things of my past.  I wanted to relive the old days.  I wanted the good times of childhood as I grew or at least some of their memories.  I forgot about the present because it was too painful at times or more.  I retreated to the past for comfort.  Why try to be new or present when the old was much safer to remember?


For starters, my childhood was pretty rough.  Yea, I lived in a middle class family of 9 (both parents, 3 of 7 children), and it was a challenge.  Fitting in at home was as difficult as fitting in elsewhere.  School was no haven for peace as I took many a sling and arrow from my peers, because, well, as a kid, you can be pretty darn cruel.  The best parts of my childhood had to do with what I mentioned earlier.  I had a set of favorite movies I loved to watch, like Cinderella, BeetleJuice, Pee Wee's Big Adventure, The Muppets Take Manhattan and Moonwalker.  I loved professional wrestling of all kinds, as long as it wasn't too violent (I was very sensitive to blood back then).  Video games were so cool back then, from the Atari to the Super Nintendo and beyond.  I loved cartoons.  I mean, LOVED them.  In fact, all these were key reasons as to why I enjoy the weekends, specifically Saturdays.  Comics were also cool whenever I got a chance to read them. Everything worth looking forward to as a child was definitely worth looking forward to, no question.

Now, as I grew, things changed.  You can't stop change.  Everything changes and that's life.  As I grew into teen-dom, the shows I used to watch were out of circulation.  The video games I got used to became somewhat obsolete.  More movies came out with content and ideas that I only dreamed would make it to the silver screen.  Saturdays held a different significance with less cartoons and wrestling no longer being showcased that much any longer.  In fact, wrestling organizations started to fold with few springing up here and there.  The new place to find these were cable television.  In fact, the addition of cable television made my love for the past a renewed one.  Now, I knew where my favorite shows, old movies, and the like went when broadcast t.v. no longer had them on the air.  Even with the newer, more expensive video game systems, I still ventured back to the old, for now I was old enough to play the systems with little to no intervention from my older brother.  Nostalgia grew in me not just as an avenue to make myself happy.  It grew in me for the opportunities I missed and liked to have.  It grew in me as a reminder of simpler times when I did feel pretty good about myself.  I wanted to hold on as long as I could, if I could.


It wasn't until the ages 14 to about 21 that my nostalgia factor kicked in fiercely.  Now, when it came to certain things, the current stuff was still pretty darn good.  I liked the current wrestling products that were on display as the WWF, WCW, and ECW did battle for wrestling supremacy.  Movies of those years and onward were enough to get me into theaters to see them.  If not that, there was always cable, which was a gold mine for old and new movies alike.  I just started getting into comics more distinctively, subscribing here and there.  As I went to libraries, I got to see graphic novels as well.  And music, oh boy, was I going places with music.  Once the earphones went on, it was either new music I could tolerate or compilations of music from older bands.  Let's also add soundtracks to wrestling and video games that I got to know and love.  Boy, my nostalgia was really getting fed something fierce.   Then, my life started to change....and not for the better....


Nostalgia, at first, became an obsession.  I became obsessed with possessing the cartoons I used to love in video form.  I wanted them on tape.  I wanted them on DVD.  I wanted them and that was that.  So, I started to find ways to possess them.  When you have free time, a computer, and a wandering mind for nostalgia, the fingers can do some walking, and at times running.  I learned about mIRC, FTP, Video CDS, and the various video formats and files I could find on the net with these cartoons.  I tried downloading these cartoons and saving them on CD via CD burner.  I also tried to just save them via computer.  I had to watch them again and remind myself of how awesome these cartoons once were.  I didn't care about bandwidth, downloading rules, viruses.  It didn't matter at all.  I had to see these again.  I had to see them all.  I just had to.   I even bought bootleg DVDs and videos of these shows.  I thought it was the best I could do, but I didn't care.  Years later, DVDs of the shows I wanted were made.  I bought them, within reason.  I knew I didn't have enough money or space for everything I could have liked.  Also, everything I could have liked wasn't on DVD.  So, I bought what I could...and enjoyed it as such.


Nostalgia then became more than just an obsession.  Once I got what I wanted, it became a means to live my social life.  It was all about telling those I knew and those that would listen about how cool certain cartoons were in the past.  Now, not everyone agreed with me (I remember my friend threatening to destroy any Captain N-related media I brought in for viewing in the club room), but those that did joined me in the laughs and giggles.  From there, I got into Internet media, social networks, and the like.  So, this was around 2005 or so.  Now, I had a larger platform for me to share my thoughts and feelings with others in regards to what I remembered from my past.  I went to groups or formed groups showcasing my adulation for these cartoons.  This also included websites, chats, and whatnot.  I had to keep the home fires burning for the cartoons I loved.  And, yes, even share my love with the younger folks out there, since the cartoons of the time were of poor quality.  In all honesty, there were probably a bevy of quality cartoons, but I never gave them a chance since I didn't want to be present.  Then came the renaissance of Internet video with the birth of YouTube.


As I started to watch videos, I came across a few that talked about the shows of my past.  These videos either made fun of or gave kudos to the nostalgic cartoons of old.  I either found these to be very funny or at times very offensive to me and my tastes.  What offended me more was when the masses shared the negative opinions.  Why?  I found comments on the Internet to be very inflammatory.  This was way before practicing acceptance and patience were tantamount to true spiritual and physical growth and maturity.  You can learn a lot from overvaluing another person's opinions.  Anyhoo, for more than 7 years, I committed myself to watching these videos.  I wanted to be in on the memories and laugh from a different angle.  Also, it was comforting to me to be accepted into a crowd.  All I had to do was agree with everyone else.  It's funny looking back on it, but it was true.


Cartoons were one thing, but nostalgia doesn't end there with the above-typed actions and opinions.  Basically, if I had a hobby, interest, or whatever, and there was a level of nostalgia to it, I had to administer the above to them.  Videos about wrestling bloopers, shoot interviews, past matches, never-before-seen footage?  I watched them.  I shared about them, too.  I took stances about them.  I acted like an entitled brat about them.  Articles on gaming's past vs. gaming's present?  I read them and championed them, stating how the gaming world today has lost its way compared to the way things used to be. If it hearkened back to the old days, I was all for it.   I held nearly and dearly to my past, if not for the happiness I had back then, then for not fully enjoying it for various reasons.



It's May of 2015 and I can safely say that the past is the past and not the basis of my life anymore.  I don't want to be a big kid anymore, wishing for my cake and eating it.  I don't wish to watch "top 10" videos about whatever.  I don't wish to possess a litany of DVDs of old television shows.  I don't want to stockpile a ton of old games to see what all the fuss is about.  I don't want anything to do with wrestling, save for whatever merchandise I haven't gotten rid of.  I am nostalgia free.  I'm done looking back to the past for answers, joy, etc.  I'm looking to the present now.  I'm not running from the future.  I'm staying in the present.  I'm tired of being the stodgy old coot who feels that the way it used to be is the way it should always be.  The problem with that is I lose sight of the good things in front of me.  I'm not going back in time anymore.  The time is just fine right here.


It was fun going into the way-back machine and checking out the stuff of my youth.  They will have a special place in my heart, to be sure.  However, in order for me to live, parts of me must die.  I've let go of social media, hardcore gaming, and wrestling.  It's time I let go of the nostalgia goggles and keep focus on the present.  Why go back to the way things were and miss how it used to be, when I have a perfectly good life worth living right now?  The one thing that can't be crushed are my memories.  And as long as I have those, nostalgia doesn't have to move in with me.  But, it can visit every now and again.....