Endings and beginnings....

I forgave them.  I finally forgave them for what has happened.  I finally forgave them for the truth behind everything.  I let it go.

It's over.  In September, it all ends.  I mucked up at some crucial points, and at the same time, learned about myself and the damage I have suffered and exacted over time.

The difference between then and now?  I was single after a break-up.  I will now be single after a dissolution.  There's anger, there's some resentment, there's a lingering fear, and there are a litany of other feelings that are taking up shop in me.  But, for the first time in years, I can feel them.  I'm not numbing it with isolation, forgetting it with video games, transposing it with wrestling, or killing it with addiction.  For the first time in years, my eyes are open.  I can see clearly now.  The fog, haze, mist, and darkness are lifted.  And, the day is shining brighter than ever.



For the first time in my life, I uttered the words I never thought I would say: I hate my parents.  I was so angry at them, so mad at them, so furious at them, that I never, ever thought I would forgive them for what I've been through or have done.  And just what did they do?  They raised me the best they could, sure, but they did so without the nurturing that comes with it.  Because of this, I would have never learned compassion, empathy, sensitivity, or even love.  I learned all that from my ex-wife.  The same ex-wife that they both did not agree with.  She wasn't what they wanted, and in turn, with their subtle and overt jabs, made her one very unhappy person.  If she was unhappy, I was unhappy.  So much for two families uniting, eh?


I distanced myself from them as best I could.  I told them not to call or bother me.  I told them not even to try to communicate with me.  However, through coaxing from my ex-wife and my therapist, along with general things I have learned over the years (ex. commandment IV), I had to forgive them.  I had to forgive them, otherwise, I'd be poisoning my life, hating them from afar and every day.  I'd be dragging others into my hate fest, in hopes to show them how awful they were or are.  In the end, that would have solved nothing.  In the end, I'd be miserable and so would they.  The difference: I wouldn't be able to stand my misery while they would go about their business as if nothing happened.  See, miserable people don't know they are miserable...or do a good job of hiding it, while transferring it to others because that's all they know and that's how they are comfortable living.  6 of the 7 of their children are no longer under their roof.  The misery for us has ended or was ending, with me being the last to finally put an end to it.  So, a week or so ago, I set my boundaries with them, told them how I felt, forgave them, and let it go.  The anger is still lingering a bit from dad's reaction to my dissolved marriage, but ignorance does that to people....and old age.  Mom, well, as long as she has her son back, that's fine with her.  She gets it more than he does.  Either way, it's over.  No more hate. No more anger.  From now on, I do for me.  If I want to come by, I will whenever I choose to.  If I want to say hi, I will whenever I choose to.  If I want to be me, I will every day of my life.


So, with certain functions coming up for Spring, Summer, and Fall, I get to choose how I live my life.  I don't do it as a repressed child who just wants to have fun, but as a growing adult who needs to take care of himself.  Self-care is going to be one very important task I will be undertaking.  At the age of 32, I have so much going on in my head and so much going on in my life, that self-care is a must.  Otherwise, I'm lashing out, acting out, and forcing out the people I love.  I know what I want to do with my life right now: recovery (or sobriety), therapy, serenity.  I will excise the things that bring me pain, return me to isolation, and force me into a dark part of my life.  


The straw that broke the camel's back finally came at the worst possible time.  But, it came.  As time was passing, it raveled and  unraveled.  A relationship that finally got on track for the first time ever came apart at the end of last year.  They say that those who love you and want what's best for you will be able to point out your faults, issues, and troubles.  My ex-wife pointed all of it out as of February of 2014.  I needed help.  But it had to be professional.  So, I entered therapy for the first time in my life.  I have both a therapist and a psychiatrist.  I'm on medication.  All through the runs of both, I had finally started to develop my life properly.  There was one problem, though.  Since I have been underdeveloped for a long time, the pains that are growing with me can come out, and have come out in the worst way possible.  And....that's what happened last year.  The camel's back was broken.  Once the words, "Annulment" and "Divorce" became serious parts of the conversation, it was looking grim.   After being told all the evidence of my faults from beginning to end, I found it very hard to combat it.  In fact, I found it even harder to turn it around.  It is over.  It is finished.  I'm now, once again, without someone to love as my mate.


So, as I sit here, and type about my life as I know it, I try to put things in perspective.  Here are some revelations I have come up with:


-I have obsessed over all the hobbies and interests I have had over the years, which makes for an unhealthy lifestyle.

-I live in a very codependent way with those I have loved and cared about, unable to make decisions on my own and needing to lean on someone for advice, support, validation, etc.  It's OK to get those things, but to crave them endlessly is not.

-I have developed the disease of the mind: addiction.  I won't say to what, but I know it is serious enough to get me to a 12-step meeting or two.  It's also serious enough to have a role in wrecking my marriage.  I would have never been able to confront this had it not been for my marriage...

-I now understand what it means to be taken advantage of and what it means to be valued.  That said, if you ever, EVER, condescend or berate me for your own well-being, you will hear it from me.  Oh, and I will never, EVER, return to the place of worship I have called home for more than 20 years of my life.  I don't need just one place to worship, in order to worship.

-I have never just left relationships to chance encounters with anyone.  It was always the Internet, the dating site on the Internet, or the friend of a friend who could hook me up.  In other words, I took God's will out of the equation and put my will first.

-There are a litany of things I have always wanted to do that I never got to do because of the isolating things I used to do a lot of.  I'm going to learn guitar, if it's the last thing I do.


-I used my obsessions as a means to handle my feelings.  I either pushed the feelings down, numbed them out, or ignored them in order to not feel uncomfortable.


-I'm not in the right mind to be married to anyone.  I may not even be in the right mind to date anyone either.  With my defects running rampant, and my addiction fighting to kill my sobriety, it's a never-ending quest to keep the monsters at bay.  Also, to be completely honest, my ex-wife was the closest I have ever gotten to "Ms. Right" for a ton of reasons.  I chose to change for the sake of saving my marriage.  I want to keep that new mindset forever.


-I now see the world outside of the bubble of my family origin life and realize that I haven't been a very nice person.  I've been self-centered, self-righteous, narcissistic, shallow, arrogant, and low on self-esteem.  I have also kept my good qualities within my family circle.  There's life outside of that unit and I saw it.  And it was so good.  It was glorious.  I want more of that for once.


-I need a whole new circle of friends.  The friends I have made and kept over the years have been a very bad influence on me.  I need to change that.  So, I reach out to friends that genuinely care and those who want the best for me.


-I'm coming to terms with the reality that my ex-wife may be the last woman I could ever fall in love with.  The world is the world.  My attitude towards it needs to change for the better.  But, that comes with a ton of acceptance.  I accept the fact that what I want in a woman may not be what I can get.  And what I have to offer in a relationship may not be completely what someone wants.  So, if that's the case, then that's OK.  Life is still good because, for one, I'm alive and trying to do things that I like to uplift my spirit.  That's something I can write home about.  In 2009, I made the decision to try to do things that uplift my spirit.  Make those things my passion, my drive.  If I fill up my life with enough of those things, I won't feel so alone, so angry, or so down.  I can't wait until I learn guitar.  I'm coming up with new ideas for placement in my drawings every day.  I have books I would like to read, learn from, and finish.  The world is my oyster.


-I'm responsible and accountable for my actions.  I choose to make amends than blame everyone or anyone, including myself.  Blame brings shame, and too much of it makes your spirit lame.  Amends don't just heal the soul, they heal the souls of others.  My soul needs to mend.



There are definitely more things I have learned but these are all that come to mind.  I could lie in a lump and act as if it's all over, looking for an easy way out, or I can get up, dust myself off, and give it another go.  I choose the latter.  I choose life.


The soul can be uplifted.  The soul can be saved.  The soul can be found.  The soul can be reborn.  The soul exists.



Until next time.....