MP3 and me: the end of a not-so-beautiful friendship

The headphones are off.  The music is turned off.  The players have left the stage and have gone on to different endeavors.  As of February of 2014, I am sound free and living life....without something in my ear.


I never, once in my life, thought I would ever have some portable music player with me.  As far back as I can remember, every sibling I had owned a CD player or portable cassette player.  From there, every friend I had, acquaintance I knew, and then some had one.  But, it never really phased me.  I used to listen to albums here and there, via cassette tape and even CD when I got the opportunity.  But, I never had the need to listen to them portably.  That is, until 1999.


My music teacher gave me my first CDs as a present for all my hard work.  The only way I could listen to them was via the stereo in the living room or the family computer.  I had no headphones, no portable players, nothing.  It was just me and the music.  Then, my friend Michael gave me his old CD player.  It had skipping issues, but I didn't care.  I could take care of technology.  I just listen to it at home, is all.  So, I picked up some headphones, put the album in, and listened to my heart's content.  That was the beginning of what I hoped would be a beautiful friendship.


After the gift, I used the money I had made to buy some albums of bands I wanted to listen to.  I also asked for certain albums for Christmas.  With the advent of MP3 players taking shape, CDs were rather affordable.  Also, there was a nearby music store in my neighborhood.  Affordable CDs + nearby music store = party time for me!  I ended up getting a bunch of albums from bands that I wanted to listen to, have been listening to, and liked listening to.  I then began to order video game soundtracks from the Internet because video games and I had a deep kinship back then (it later turned to an obsession).  Things were gravy until the CD player finally broke after endless amounts of shocks to its system.  I took it upon myself to buy a CD player from the nearby candy store and continue my musical enjoyment.  After all, if my siblings could do it, so could I.


It wasn't until one Christmas that things were going to change for my music days.  I asked for the boxset, Nirvana: With the Lights Out.  Upon receiving it, I was treated to 3 whole hours of musical tracks and extras from my favorite band of all time.  Once I popped the CDs in, you couldn't separate me from it.  On a side note, the CD player had problems playing track 6 on each of the CDs, so I decided to get a much better CD player in its place.  From then on, it was music mania for me.  I had to listen to every track, over and over, if necessary.  Pretty soon, I had to listen to every track as I traveled because the hustle and bustle of public transportation was just too much for me to deal with.  The world was a noisy, bothersome, angering place.  I had to release myself from it, somehow, if I wanted to get through the day to day. All I needed to do was put my headphones on and all was well.  That's when the "fun" started....


Soon after this revelation become reality, my tasks were these: 1) to get as many albums and as many songs of the bands that I liked growing up in my years, and 2) to use them as a means to cut myself off from the world around me.  Soon, Alice in Chains, Soundgarden, Stone Temple Pilots, Sum 41, Incubus, Disturbed, and Weezer came next.  Silverchair, Seether, and Staind weren't far behind, along with the Foo Fighters.  I even went heavy metal and listened to Fozzy and Slipknot.  I took the advice of both my little brother and my friend and got Lupe Fiasco and MF Doom.  Lloyd Banks came before both of them.  To round them off, I then got as many video game soundtracks from games that I liked along with wrestling entrance themes.  I made it a point to listen to these CDs as often as I could, and even in a cycle.  Yes, that's right.  I made my own play list for the albums I had.  It was the Grunge All-Stars first, the Grunge Compilations next, the alternative boys next, the heavy metal heads after them, then hip hoppers, and wrestling songs last, with video game music sharing time with my Nintendo DS gaming (I'd play the DS on free breaks, while listening to video game music to keep myself busy at work).  I swore to this setup, adding and subtracting music along the way.  It was how I lived and wanted to live for, what I thought, would be the foreseeable future.  Who'd have thought the future would make this more of a reality in a way...


In 2009, I received my bachelor's degree among other things.  I was happy as a clam.  At work, they threw me a party to celebrate this and my possible farewell.  One of the presents I got was an IPod Touch.  Now, for those that knew me, I was adamant in not getting an MP3 player, specifically an IPod.  I knew it was a lot of money, and I wanted to remain in the world of playing CDs.  I didn't have the money or time, in my view.  But now, I was given it as a gift.  So, why not make the most of it?  Every CD I owned that day was added to my IPod.  No skips, no need to buy new batteries, no shocks to the the system.  I had it made.  From then on, the CD player days were done.  MP3 was the way to be.  And the music kept me coping with life.  Life was good.   Or so I thought.....


What I failed to see, or even admit to, was that my musical exploits became an obsession.  See, when you utilize music like I have, it's all you can hope to use to cope, survive, and deal with the day-to-day events of life.  I didn't want to be aware of those around me.  I didn't want to feel my feelings.  I wanted to numb them.  I wanted to escape them.  I wanted to escape everything.  I wanted to be the musicians I've heard.  I wanted to fantasize like I was on stage, in a rock band with my friends.  I wanted to sing those songs I heard, over and over again.  I wanted to be in my own little world.  I wanted to be in my own private bubble.  I wanted to be free, in my own seclusion.  However, the more the outside world encroached on my bubble, the deeper I wanted to go.  It's funny what the mind wants you to believe.  So, the volume was turned higher.  Better earphones that canceled noise were obtained.  I started studying the lyrics to immerse myself in the music.  I told myself I wasn't getting lost in the stuff.  I knew I was free.  I wasn't.  I was becoming nihilistic.  I was depressing myself.  I was losing myself to the darkness that surrounded that music.  I was creating the darkness if there wasn't any.  And all this before I met my future wife....




She was the ray of hope among my cloudy days.  She was the smile I longed to see every day.  She had everything I could have ever hoped for.  She showed me through her love and knowledge of music that there is a message and a passion to be had from it.  The messages I received from the music I was immersed in were not conducive to growth, let alone love.  She changed my musical tastes when we had our first major falling out.  So, I traded all the darkness for light.  I traded the soulless for the soulful.  Rafael Saadiq, John Legend, Jill Scott, Erykah Badu, India.Arie: these were the new musicians of choice.  I loved the changes.  I enjoyed them greatly.  I barely even missed the old guard (although Lupe Fiasco, MF Doom, and a few hip hop acts came along for the ride).  Unfortunately, I had to make the conscious decision to end the ride come June.



In June of 2014, I have put away the headphones for good.  I tried for the musical changes, but as it turned out, all I did was use music was a means to escape.  Once I realized this, I had to change.  It wreaked havoc on my life, my spirit, and my marriage.  I then took all the music I have ever owned on CD and threw them away.  I couldn't bear to have this collection with me anymore.  My musical relationship had come to an end.  From now on, if I wanted to listen to music, it wouldn't be in a bubble, but in the open.  Since then, I have never listened to music on the train.   I have even sold my only MP3 player.  It wasn't successful, but if it does return to me, I'll just sell it again.  I have a guitar again and have only listened to some of the old songs for the purpose of learning the chords to play it myself.  I guess you could say, it's a way of transmitting the negativity I have stored up into something positive.  


Music and I have been together for such a long time.  But now, it's time to let go.  No more bubble, earphones, darkness.  All that is left is light, openness, and open ears.  It's not so hard to say goodbye to this.   But for what it's worth, the ride has shown me something: music, like most arts, can speak to you and take you places  you never knew existed.  Make sure you let your conscience and your soul be your guides, your filters, and your friends.